“Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. With too much distance, there can be no connection. But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals – and desire needs a bridge to cross.” - Esther Perel
Attachment styles are real buzz words at the moment, but for good reason! Our attachment style has a profound impact on our emotional wellbeing and relationships. Attachment is one of the most researched topics in psychology with a long history of vast research investigating Attachment Theory. At Brodie Earl Clinical Psychology, we often work with our clients to explore and understand their attachment patterns to foster healthier connections and enhance overall psychological resilience.
Attachment Styles: A Script We’ve Learnt off by Heart
Attachment styles are patterns of relating to others that develop early in life, primarily through interactions with caregivers but also sometimes through our experiences dating and in romantic relationships.
Attachment styles become like a script that we follow – we act a certain way, we expect certain things, we follow the role we’ve been taught how to play. These styles influence how we perceive and approach relationships throughout our lives, shaping our emotional responses, behaviours, and beliefs about intimacy.
And we repeat this again and again and again, making the same mistakes until we can identify our patterns and learn to re-write the script.
The Four Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and autonomy in relationships. They trust their partners, express their needs openly, and believe they are worthy of love and support. Securely attached individuals tend to have positive self-esteem and effective communication skills.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: Those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style crave closeness and validation from their partners but fear rejection or abandonment. They may exhibit clingy or needy behaviors, seeking constant reassurance to alleviate their anxiety.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style prioritise independence and self-reliance over emotional intimacy. They may suppress their emotions, avoid vulnerability, and struggle with forming deep emotional connections.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Fearful-avoidant individuals experience a mixture of anxious and avoidant tendencies, oscillating between the desire for closeness and the fear of rejection or engulfment. They may crave connection but feel overwhelmed by intimacy, leading to ambivalence and uncertainty in relationships.
So which one are you? How to determine your attachment style.
Understanding your attachment style is the first step toward fostering healthier relationships and personal growth. But how to tell?
Reflect on Your Relationship Patterns: Take a closer look at your past and current relationships. Do you tend to seek closeness and reassurance, or do you prefer independence and distance? Pay attention to your emotional responses and behaviours in various relationship dynamics. Think about what kind of people you are attracted to? Are they secure in relationships or are they hot and cold? Maybe just cold?
Consider Your Childhood and Dating Experiences: Reflect on your early experiences with caregivers. Were they consistently available and responsive to your needs, or did you experience inconsistency and unpredictability in caregiving? Our early attachment experiences often shape our attachment styles in adulthood. Alternatively, maybe you always felt quite secure until a partner did something that really undermined your trust in people. Perhaps an affair, a betrayal, a lie. Or maybe you’ve been dating for years and have come to be less open for fear this will just be another one that won’t work out.
Ask Your Friends: There’s every chance that your friends will know you well enough to be able to guide you. Do they comment that you often end relationships early? Do they say you fall too hard too quickly? Ask your friend which style they think you might be.
Speak to a Clinical Psychologist: We can be the objective observer. At Brodie Earl Clinical Psychology, our experienced psychologists offer relationship therapy tailored to help individuals understand and navigate their attachment styles. Through therapy and evidence-based interventions, we empower clients to explore their attachment patterns, heal past relational wounds, and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Fostering Stronger Connections is Possible
Our attachment styles are not fixed – you can become more securely attached. Understanding attachment styles is crucial for building stronger emotional bonds and enhancing overall psychological wellbeing. Whether you're struggling with relationship challenges or seeking personal growth, our team of skilled psychologists is here to support you on your journey toward healthier attachment patterns and more fulfilling relationships.
Contact Us
Ready to explore your attachment style and build stronger emotional connections? Contact Brodie Earl Clinical Psychology today to schedule an appointment with one of our experienced psychologists here in our Sydney office. Let's embark on this journey together toward greater understanding, healing, and growth.