You know those people that people like? Those people that ooze confidence.
They seem to get along with everyone. They’re outgoing, warm, chatty, witty. You can put them in any social situation and they seem to handle it with ease. They’re the person you can take to a party and not worry they will be a wallflower or be joined at the hip the whole night. You can introduce them to your friends/colleagues/family and they can handle themselves.
They seem happy, content, confident, but somehow also relatable.
How do they do it?
Well, good news – it’s not a trait you’re born with. Social confidence can be learned.
Learning to be more confident socially
The reason so many of us find it hard to be confident in a certain situation is because for some reason or another we feel anxious. We worry how we’re coming across to others.
How do I look? Do they like my outfit? Am I over-dressed or under-dressed? Is it okay to bring up this topic? Maybe I shouldn’t - I don’t want to offend. And I definitely shouldn’t say anything here because I might sound stupid. They’ll think I’m dumb. But I better not be too quiet because they’ll think I’m rude. But then what do I even talk about? What if what I have to say isn’t interesting enough? They’re probably bored with me. They are probably looking for an out from this conversation. Ah my mouth is dry and my lips won’t move properly. I probably look so weird. And my hands are sweaty. They’ve probably noticed. Just look away so you don’t have to make eye contact with them. That will be wayyy too awkward.
Sound familiar?
The problem is, we can get so caught up in our own thoughts and hyper-focused on ourselves that we forget to actually pay attention to the other person and the conversation.
People don’t remember what you say so much as they remember how you make them feel.
How do you make someone feel good?
1. Don’t worry about being interesting, be interested.
Ask questions about them.
Be curious about their opinions.
Focus on the conversation.
When you notice you’re getting in your head, refocus on the conversation and the other person.
2. Be positive.
Give genuine compliments. Like their bag? Say it. Think that was a thoughtful opinion? Tell them.
Talk about something good that happened in your day/week/month.
3. Radiate warmth.
Smile.
Nod.
Make eye contact.
Unfold your arms.
Treat them as if you’d already known them for years.
Be the person you would want to talk to.
4. Fake it ‘til you make it.
Ever heard of exposure therapy? It is based on the behavioural psychology principles of habituation and desensitisation, and cognitive psychology principles of cognitive restructuring. Basically, face your fears. The more you do it, the less anxious you’ll be.
Imagine how you’d act if you weren’t anxious. Now act like that. I know inside you’re buzzing with nerves, but just pretend you’re not. No one else can see how you feel on the inside. Pretend to be cool, calm and collected, and you might surprise yourself.
For some, social confidence is a point of growth.
For others, it is the way out of the dark hole of social anxiety.
Seeking help with social anxiety
If you worry what others think about you more than you’d like, if you avoid social situations for fear of how you’ll act, if you want to be more confident at work, with your friends or with dating, if you want to be a more authentic version of yourself with others, then get in touch through our contact form or give us a call on 0450 808 917. We would love to help.